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Archive for April, 2010

The other day I held the new Apple iPad in my hands.

Apple Computer Company’s Steve Jobs recently launched this newest evil device that will add flab to your thighs and make mush of your brains.

He calls his futuristic device the iPad. (The “i” standing for idiot.)

This new idiotPad will slow the right side of your cranium faster than a soft slab of butter on a steamy knife, much the same way the idiot tube did to human thought back in the early 50s.

If you are old enough to remember life before television, you may have a twinkling of what life was supposed to be like. People would talk about family, work, hobbies, or the latest world news. Minds, bodies, and tongues were always in motion.

Then the boob tube was invented and overnight mental and linguistic abilities vanished and everybody became zombies, fixated to that glowing light in the dark living room.

Today, in much the same way, you have this idiotPad to gawk at with your mouths open and your creative minds shut. Oh, you can download a few good e-books on writing, or learn how to be an online magazine publisher, or read something new from the iPad’s bookstore. But I’m guessing few will do this.

Even Jobs admits the new iPad is not a “productivity” tool. But, come on, it should force you to produce something, either physically or mentally. Even during the early days of television, someone had to physically get up and change channels. Of course, this was back in the dinosaur days before the remote control was hatched.

True, this new machine is a wonder of technology. With its vivid screen, it takes you on a rocket ride over the vast world wide web, requiring no mental or physical effort on your part whatsoever. All you need to do is stare and point.

Want to view a sappy movie? Tap your finger on the glass screen. Want to read all the junk mail in your inbox? Tap your finger. Want to play the latest violent video game? Yep, just tap your finger.

Now you can lean back in your comfy recliner and simply press a digit to a piece of flat glass and do anything you want, like watch a dumb reality TV show, flip through some boring photos, or order online an extra-large pizza with extra cheese.

Instant gratification is what the new iPad is all about. No longer do you have to leave your living room to do anything at all. Just sit, point, and eat. When nature calls, you can even take the iPad to the bathroom with you. I swear, when they finally come for your lifeless body, they will have to pry your stiff extended index finger away from the surface of that idiotPad.
“Holding the iPad feels like you’re holding the future,” crows MacWorld Magazine.

Well, if this is the future, we are all in for a lumpy ride.

Come on, aren’t we lethargic enough right now with our current sad lifestyle? Now we are going to add this Mac gizmo that will make us even more lackadaisical. Great! From sluggish couch potato to immovable recliner tuber. Wake up, people! The end of civilization is near.

So what can we do? Say nay to Jobs and his newest creation? Shut off and destroy our cherished iPhones, iPods and other me-stuff? Take up jogging, hiking, and live in the great outdoors, far away from the evil Apple’s eye?

Sadly, citizens of earth, I think we are all doomed. Let’s face it, we are hooked on these i-gadgets and we can’t live without them. We will not live without them!

So get behind me. I was here first.

“One iPad, please.”

E. P. Ned Burke is the president of E. P. Burke Publishing (http://www.epburkepublishing.com) and serves as online editor of Yesterday’s Magazette, and The Perspiring Writer Magazine. He is the owner of E-Books On Writing, E-Books For Marketeers, and many other web sites, as well as the author of 7 novels, He has also published “How To Be An Online Magazine Publisher” and “Hey! You wanna be a writer?” You can grab a free copy of his “Killer Online Magazine Secrets” now at: http://bit.ly/ebook103

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